one pink line

I can picture myself driving my child to soccer practice someday.  I'm a mix of excited and anxious on the sidelines, recalling winning goals but also several hospital visits during my days on the field.  I remember how glad my mom was to have a "night off" from Julie and me. I missed her when she left, but we had the best babysitters, and knew we were in for a fun night.  And by the time she got home, it was Mom who was seriously missing us and couldn't wait for hugs and kisses, even if we were asleep. I look forward to teaching a little one how to ride a bike, and even cringing when they fall. And the mix of pride and agony upon dropping them off at college. As I get older and closer with my mom, I realize both the sunshine and the pain I've brought to her life.  And the hardships of being a parent, I hear, are greatly outnumbered by the joys. I just never thought the pain would start as early as month after month of negative pregnancy tests. 

I've made extra efforts to be in great shape for pregnancy. Kicked up my already healthy eating habits and have been taking pre-natal vitamins for 2 years, thanks to Heidi Murkoff, who shared the added benefits of strong hair and nails! I've drastically cut back on alcohol, drinking water with lime to appear as if vodka soda is my new thing - people ask a LOT of questions when I don't drink, and I see no harm in fooling them a bit, right?  I'm even cutting back on the amount of heavy exercise after one late period that I was SURE was "it" decided to show up after a much needed intense SoulCycle Survivor class.

 I usually handle stress very well.  But the repeat offense of one pink line has been a roller coaster of emotions and lies that recently brought me to a place I've never been before.  Being "happy" for other people who announce their pregnancies. Feeling anger at those friends that choose to end them. Canceling plans with friends because I'm no longer late and the last thing I want to do is socialize that night, and see-sawing between obsessing over every blog, podcast and piece of health information under the sun and ignoring all the noise and just breathing and having fun "i-don't-care-if-it-results-in-a-baby" sex. But seriously, what's with EVERY woman being pregnant on EVERY subway, and how I just HAPPEN to turn on the TV to see every First Response ad?  Add wallet injury to insult when I then spend another $20 on three more tests from Amazon Prime the next week.

We just got back from our anniversary trip to Italy - an amazing, relaxing adventure. I hope I can soon say that we have the very best souvenir ever in the form of one happy, healthy, well-adjusted little friend in 9 months.  But for now, I'm calling on positive thoughts, patience and peace.  I believe there's something bigger that knows what's best for us, and all will unfold as it is meant to.